You have asked for comment and critique so here are my, hopefully constructive, comments.
That is a very well executed piece of segmenting work, the herringbone pattern is nicely spaced and the joints are fairly even. There is a good colour contrast between the woods chosen. My first question to you would be, having gone to all that effort to produce a beautiful blank why lower its impact by putting it on a cheap slimline kit? A Zeta or other single barrelled kit would have cost little more and greatly enhanced the presence of the blank.
My other comment would be that the fit, shaping and finish are not up to the standard of the segmenting work. The lower barrel is overturned at both nib and centre band and the upper, segmented, barrel is unevenly shaped. The finish also appears uneven but that may just be the photograph.
Overall a good first effort, but with a few improvements it could be exceptional.
Finally a point on the photography. The nib end is out of focus which suggests that you have concentrated focus on the segmented part of the pen. Focusing on the closest part (the nib) and using a small aperture (f16 or f22 say) would keep the whole pen in focus. If the background is white then your white balance is also slightly off. Hope this helps.